Rainy Day Thinking

August 17, 2010

Many of us spend much of our lives trying to be the person our parents want us to be, then the person our spouse wants us to be, and our boss, and our children, and our friends, and on and on and on. Somewhere in there many of us lose sight of who we really are, what we want, what we need, if indeed, we ever really knew. Most of us have been trying to please everyone, but ourselves, for so long that we were children when we started...way before we could conceive of who or what we wanted to be as an adult. I think it takes a focused exploration of the journey we were meant to travel, rather than the journey we may find ourselves on, to truly evolve to the point that we can find the peace and fulfillment that so many of us are seeking.

No, I was not smoking funny things over the weekend, just doing some deep thinking. We had our first rainy day in this sun-baked summer we’ve been having. A rainy Sunday is almost an implied permission to take a break, be “unproductive”, maybe just sit and veg. I used part of my rainy day to think about something I’ve been putting off for a very long time – my personal journey. I’ve spent so many years moving as fast as I could, filling my brain with as much or rather more than it could comfortably hold, and trying my darnedest to avoid leaving space in my life for the truth of where my life was headed. I fear that I have filled my life up with everyone else’s expectations of what my journey will be.

As I waded through the gamut of emotions, regrets, and unformed dreams, I gazed at my daughter, sitting quietly with a gentle smile turning up the corners of her mouth. And it hit me. I, the mature, educated individual sits awash in discontent, struggling to come to terms with what could have been and what’s left undone, while my daughter, labeled cognitively deficient, sits happily content with herself. She is simply who she is. She finds no purpose in pretense, no need to be anyone or anything else but who she is. Her spirit is fully evolved while mine is struggling. Just who should be labeled wanting?

No comments:

Post a Comment