August 4, 2010
Lauren hasn’t been sleeping well for a couple of weeks, very restless and coughing as the result of allergies. So...that means I haven’t been sleeping well. She’s actually just fine, because although she’s restless, she is sleeping. But I’m so tuned into every whisper of movement that comes from her room that I’m getting up ten times a night to check on her, and once I’m up, of course, every manner of problem and worry battles its way to the front of the line to prevent me from getting back to sleep. So, I’m seriously sleep deprived and even if I could get one good night of sleep – it wouldn’t help. You just get into a pattern of poor sleep and it take days or even weeks to get out of it and then to catch up on your sleep.
You know you’re tired when you are well aware that you seriously need a vacation and when faced with the reality of actually taking one – find it’s just too much trouble. That’s really sad. What’s also sad is the reality of “Who else would do this?”. Who, in Lauren’s future, would willingly put themselves in the position of getting this exhausted? It's just not healthy and no amount of money (alright, no amount of money that Lauren could afford) would be worth it. Now, Lauren can go for months and sleep most nights without a sound. But, then we get into a period of time when sleeping is a problem. How do you plan for that? Do you have to have more than one person doing her overnights? Do you have to have someone ready to come in just during those times when she isn’t sleeping? Would that be doable? I don’t know.
Today, my reality is that I'm so tired that I can't think clearly and the fatigue is making me depressed. I know I'm overreacting to things and overthinking things to death. I completely missed an exit on the turnpike this week which I take all the time, and I seriously burned a pot of potatoes that I forgot for two hours that I had even turned on. The smell finally alerted me. My fatigue will eventually have an effect on Lauren's quality of care. How can it not? But for today..... I'm just really tired....and she's OK.